Dudes (and Mrs. Clinton),
I think it would be a good idea to have these things in a bomb shelter:
• Dead presidents, lots of dead presidents.
• A huge stockpile of drugs. That way I can treat the illnesses and injuries (with those drugs) of my fellow citizens, when we emerge from our bomb shelters after the jihad or nuclear explosion or whatever.
• Books about revolutions and coups d’etats, so I can be learned on how to build a government after the destruction of the US government that drove us into our bomb shelters to begin with.
• More books, but this time about nuclear explosions and jihad. That way, I could be like a leader and tell everyone when it’s safe to come out of their bomb shelter.
• More dead presidents.
• More drugs. But, like super-high-tech anti-radiation drugs, just in case I didn’t get the right books about nuclear explosions.
Don’t you think that would be a good idea?
O.K., I gotta come clean. I don’t really have a bomb shelter. I was just hoping y’all had that computer program, like the NSA does, that sniffs through e-mails and flags them for certain key words. I figured all of you probably get so much e-mail that you can’t possibly return all of it (I know Tancredo is really bad about it). Hell, you probably don’t even read half of what you get. So, I come up with the idea of trying to get my e-mail flagged. Pretty smart, huh? (Side note to the NSA, FBI or whomever: It was all just a trick to get my e-mail read. You can go back to looking for evildoers now.)So, now that you’re reading this, here are a few questions:
On Faith…
1) Why don’t Christians keep Kosher?2) Real quick, no cheating… What are the Ten Commandments, and are they ranked in order of importance to God? (Remember, no cheating.) (Romney – just choose ten of however many commandments y’all have.) (Kucinich – you can pass.)
3) If my slaves are misbehaving, what should I do? (I think the answer is in Leviticus.)
4) Why does God say ‘no’ to so many prayers?
On immigration…
1) What can we do to keep the Canadians out? A gay one married a girl I was dating once, just to stay in the country. That was kind of awkward, what with my girlfriend being married to a gay Canadian guy and all. But they managed to pull it off. They even had to do that ‘what kind of toothpaste does he use?’ test and everything. I’m not telling you who she was. So, don’t ask. One of you guys will narc on her. Probably you, Thompson (I should clarify I mean Tommy, since Fred won’t be getting these e-mails until he grows a pair and declares that he’s running. And, whatever his shortcomings, Fred Thompson ain’t no narc.)
2) Tancredo has already said he’s on board (at least I assume he’s offering his tacit consent, since I haven’t received an e-mail back telling me he wasn’t) for developing hypno-collars to put on inmates. That way, restaurant owners can replace all their Mexicans with convicts in trances. The technology has to be water-tight, so it’ll need some funding, but don’t you think that’s a great idea? 3) Don’t you think, I mean, if you really think about it, poverty is really the root of this problem? What are you going to do about that?
On the War on Terror III: The Global Struggle Against Extremism…
1) If you had a hand in voting on or enforcing the Patriot Act, did you read the fu#%ing thing? Did you even skim it? There’s some pretty messed up s#%t in there.2) Define torture.
3) Don’t you think, I mean, if you really think about it, poverty is the root of this problem? What are you going to do about that?
I know y’all are busy, but if you answer just a couple (or all) of my questions, I’ll myspace friendquest you, and put all your answers up on my blog. Y’know, some grass-roots type stuff.
Thanks Bros (and Mrs. Clinton),
Out.
