Guess who's not getting invited to dinner.

Me, that's who. Check it out:

'Dear johnny,

Four lucky supporters have been selected to join Barack for an intimate Dinner for Five. They'll share their stories, their questions, and hopefully a delicious meal.

Read about Barack's dinner guests below, and then send them a personal note or a question you'd like them to ask:

http://my.barackobama.com/dinnerforfivenote'

I kept reading, hoping to see that I had been invited, but was disappointed to find that the wonks at O’Bama headquarters had decided, instead, to go with a firefighter, working mother, philanthropist and blue-collar guy.

They will probably have one of those fancy wine-and-cheese, sit-down parties. That way they can have a spirited and informed discussion about issues that matter. I was really hoping for more of a backyard barbeque thing, where I might end up getting to play some cornhole and quote ‘Caddyshack’ with Barack.

Cornhole, by the way, is an actual game, invented in Cincinnati, by chronically intoxicated students. You toss beanbags into holes cut in plywood. It frequently happens at barbeques in Ohio. Google™ it, or check out http://www.playcornhole.org/.

So, it’s cool that I’m not invited this time. I’ll just send a messenger, I’ll e-mail some questions to each of the actual guests. I just hope they don’t all want to use the same question.

I’m starting by sending this one to the blue collar guy:


Which of the following languages would it benefit me most to learn:
• Cantonese
• Mandarin
• Wu





Spicoli/Edwards in '08

Edwards likes to party. Since I sent him my tirade and its accompanying questions, last week, he has twice invited me to a party. Technically, I guess, Ben Brandzel is the one who invited me to the party. He’s the one who’s letter was mass-mailed to everyone who ever e-mailed the Edwards campaign for any reason. He works for John, but there’s no telling in what capacity. See what you can make of his signature:

--Ben Brandzel,
John Edwards for President
Friday, June 22, 2007

Whoever it was that actually invited me to this party tells me that John Edwards will be there in person, if you consider a digital representation of John, transmitted over the internet, ‘in person’. There’s talk that, ‘…we'll even get to talk live to John to ask questions and hear the latest from the road.’

Since I can’t seem to get him to answer any questions by e-mail (even though my e-mailing him questions has given him time to answer the questions at his leisure), I’m going to go to this party and see if I can’t get something out of him. I figure, I’ll start with an amusing road anecdote of my own. Then, when I’ve established that rambling-man kinship with him, I’ll ask him something like:

If Jesus were a credit card, what would his interest rate be and is it just a promotional, introductory rate that he’ll jack way up later?

Dodd campaign f#%ks w/ people.

Maybe 'shortly' means something different inside the beltway than it does here in America, but I was expecting a little more out of Chris Dodd's Tim Tagaris & Matt Browner-Hamlin. Last week, they promised me that they would be in touch shortly, look:

'Thanks for contacting us about your blog and the Dodd campaign. We will be
in touch shortly.

Best,
Tim Tagaris & Matt Browner-Hamlin'

Then, at 4:30 on Wednesday, Tim sends me this bullshit:

'Dear Johnny,

Last week, we asked about your ideas for future e-campaign initiatives.

Overwhelmingly, you wanted to see "more live video chats with Senator Dodd."

O.K.... Done.

Join us today at 5 P.M. Eastern as Senator Dodd talks about "Answering a New Call" -- his national service plan -- and participates in a live Q & A with you and supporters across the country...

Tim Tagaris
Chris Dodd for President'

Hey Tim,

First of all, I don't remember anyone asking about my ideas for future e-campaign initiatives, so I think you must think I am someone else. If anyone had asked me, I would actually have said 'more live video chats with Senator Dodd' or blasting YouTube with videos of hot naked chicks reading Chris Dodd's platform -- one issue at a time. The hotter the chick, the better.

I'm kinda glad y'all went with the first one. I didn't think about how the second one would play with soccer moms.

Anyway, I got all kinds of questions for Senator Dodd and I can make most of them be about national service if I have to, but you gotta give me more than a half hour's notice. Or, are you just fucking with me?

If so, you got me. Cool?!?

Next time I have an opportunity to ask the esteemed Senator anything having to do with anything, please let me know a little farther ahead of time.

Thanks and let's win this thing,
Johnny

Screw Tancredo. He's a Dick. Everybody vote for Kucinich

Tancredo's not the only dick either. All the Republicans and many of the Democrats don't even care enough about the little guys, like us, to have a robot send us a:
'thank-you for contacting (what's his face or Mrs. Clinton), blah blah Save America, blah blah blah'.

These guys (and Mrs. Clinton) all have answer robots:
Clinton
Obama
Dodd
Biden

To the rest of them I say: Whatever, dicks! I'm sending out unsolicited e-mails to people who were c.c-ed in e-mails I got from people I really know, and I'm telling them to vote Kucinich.

He's the only one who had an actual person respond to me. Then, when I wrote her back to thank her for thanking me for showing an interest in Kucinich for President, she wrote me back again and thanked me. Look:

(this first part is me...)
"Hey,

If this isn't Gail, could one of y'all forward it to her
or tell her I, likewise, wish her all the best -- in hope and peace.

thanks,
johnny"

(this part is Gail.)
"Thank you so much, Johnny.

Gail"

So, if you are one of those people who's address I got from somebody else's c.c. list, Vote Kucinich.

And, screw you Tancredo.

I think the second 'B' is the drunkest.

Thanks to whomever it is that rehearsed writing boobs in sparkler long enough to get such a great picture.

God, I love Google™ Images®.

Dirty Limerick - Opus 1

Opus 1:

There once was a girl with big boobs,
Who used them to do Rubic’s™ Cubes®.
I’d mention her ass,
But that would be crass.
Guess what she did with her pubes.

Hillary: the on-the-ballest.

Hey Tancredo,

Look what Hillary sent me:

'Dear Friend,

Thank you for your message to the Hillary Clinton for President Exploratory Committee and for joining in the conversation. The campaign has received thousands of emails from people all over the country. Your comments are important to us. Due to the high volume of questions we receive, it may take us time to answer you directly. To learn more about the campaign and Hillary’s views on the issues, please visit our website at www.hillaryclinton.com.

Below are some suggestions...

blah blah blah (there's like 400 more words here, but it's really boring shit.)

...All content © 2007 Hillary Clinton for President Exploratory Committee
4420 North Fairfax Drive, Arlington, VA 22203'

That is a lot of words. How big of a dick do you feel like now, Tom?!?

Dodd has his people on it.

'Thanks for contacting us about your blog and the Dodd campaign. We will be
in touch shortly.

Best,
Tim Tagaris & Matt Browner-Hamlin'

'Shortly', y'all hear that. Shortly... Right on!

Biden's on the ball, too

here's his:

"Thank you for writing the Biden for President campaign.

We received your message but due to the volume of email we receive, we may not be able to respond to every email. We appreciate your input and will make every effort to get your message to the appropriate people in the campaign.

Thank you,

The Biden for President team"

Damn, Kucinich is good - Tancredo's still a dick

He had someone write me back in less than five minutes. Check it:

"Best wishes to you forever, Johnny.

In hope and peace,

Gail Heyn
Volunteer
Kucinich for President 2008
http://www.kucinich.us/"

I got best wishes, hope and peace from Kucinich and s#%t from Tancredo.

Thanks Denny (can I call you that now?).

Screw you Tom.

Kucinich get's back to you...

Kucinich sent me an e-mail as soon as I sent him one. Here's what is said:

"Thank you for your message. It will be forwarded to the appropriate person in our campaign. However, due to our extremely high volume of email, you may not receive a personal reply. Please feel free to participate in our website by making comments on the items in the site. To register to make comments that appear on the site, please visithttp://kucinich.us/user/register Thank you, Kucinich.US Web Team."

Once he realizes it's for him, I'm sure he'll get back to me...

A Letter to Everyone Running for President

Dudes (and Mrs. Clinton),

I think it would be a good idea to have these things in a bomb shelter:
• Dead presidents, lots of dead presidents.
• A huge stockpile of drugs. That way I can treat the illnesses and injuries (with those drugs) of my fellow citizens, when we emerge from our bomb shelters after the jihad or nuclear explosion or whatever.
• Books about revolutions and coups d’etats, so I can be learned on how to build a government after the destruction of the US government that drove us into our bomb shelters to begin with.
• More books, but this time about nuclear explosions and jihad. That way, I could be like a leader and tell everyone when it’s safe to come out of their bomb shelter.
• More dead presidents.
• More drugs. But, like super-high-tech anti-radiation drugs, just in case I didn’t get the right books about nuclear explosions.
Don’t you think that would be a good idea?

O.K., I gotta come clean. I don’t really have a bomb shelter. I was just hoping y’all had that computer program, like the NSA does, that sniffs through e-mails and flags them for certain key words. I figured all of you probably get so much e-mail that you can’t possibly return all of it (I know Tancredo is really bad about it). Hell, you probably don’t even read half of what you get. So, I come up with the idea of trying to get my e-mail flagged. Pretty smart, huh? (Side note to the NSA, FBI or whomever: It was all just a trick to get my e-mail read. You can go back to looking for evildoers now.)

So, now that you’re reading this, here are a few questions:

On Faith…
1) Why don’t Christians keep Kosher?
2) Real quick, no cheating… What are the Ten Commandments, and are they ranked in order of importance to God? (Remember, no cheating.) (Romney – just choose ten of however many commandments y’all have.) (Kucinich – you can pass.)
3) If my slaves are misbehaving, what should I do? (I think the answer is in Leviticus.)
4) Why does God say ‘no’ to so many prayers?

On immigration…
1) What can we do to keep the Canadians out? A gay one married a girl I was dating once, just to stay in the country. That was kind of awkward, what with my girlfriend being married to a gay Canadian guy and all. But they managed to pull it off. They even had to do that ‘what kind of toothpaste does he use?’ test and everything. I’m not telling you who she was. So, don’t ask. One of you guys will narc on her. Probably you, Thompson (I should clarify I mean Tommy, since Fred won’t be getting these e-mails until he grows a pair and declares that he’s running. And, whatever his shortcomings, Fred Thompson ain’t no narc.)
2) Tancredo has already said he’s on board (at least I assume he’s offering his tacit consent, since I haven’t received an e-mail back telling me he wasn’t) for developing hypno-collars to put on inmates. That way, restaurant owners can replace all their Mexicans with convicts in trances. The technology has to be water-tight, so it’ll need some funding, but don’t you think that’s a great idea?
3) Don’t you think, I mean, if you really think about it, poverty is really the root of this problem? What are you going to do about that?

On the War on Terror III: The Global Struggle Against Extremism…
1) If you had a hand in voting on or enforcing the Patriot Act, did you read the fu#%ing thing? Did you even skim it? There’s some pretty messed up s#%t in there.
2) Define torture.
3) Don’t you think, I mean, if you really think about it, poverty is the root of this problem? What are you going to do about that?

I know y’all are busy, but if you answer just a couple (or all) of my questions, I’ll myspace friendquest you, and put all your answers up on my blog. Y’know, some grass-roots type stuff.

Thanks Bros (and Mrs. Clinton),

Out.

Tancredo's being a dick

Still nothing from Tancredo. What a dick.

No Response from Tancredo yet...

It's been like four hours since I set U.S. Congressman Tom Tancredo (R-CO) an e-mail and he still hasn't gotten back to me. I hope he's not being a dick. I'm going to bed.

My first e-mail to Tom Tancredo. Please join me in praying that he responds.

Hey Tancredo, (You reading this, or do you got interns doing it? If it’s interns, hey interns, tell Tancredo I said s’up, &…)

Props for your response to Charles Horton (you remember him? He was one of the guys from the Time magazine thing.) about the how the economy is still going to be cool, even after all the immigrants are gone. We definitely should use science to create genetically altered super food, so the machines can do all the shit work. In fact we should create some sort of self-harvesting, super food that would make the machines obsolete. But that’s probably still a few years off, huh? Maybe as President you could make science go faster. It sure would be cool to see real bionics in my lifetime.

Anyways, I got an idea to help the restaurant industry after we get all those non-indigenous Americans out. You (when you’re President) can make science come up with some sort of hypno-collar that we can strap on convicts. They’d be in a trance the whole time so everything you told them to do, they’d do – even unclogging the toilet in the ladies’ room, like the dishwasher does now. Plus, think of how that would help with prison overcrowding. Dude, if you could solve that problem, too – and at the same time… You’d be the moneyest President in history. You could be known as the ‘Science President,’ because you used science to solve so many problems.

But what I really wanted was to know if you would answer a couple of questions for my blog? My buddy Gary teaches poli-sci at the community college and he says that politicians are all dick-heads that don’t care about real people, and that you aren’t gonna answer. He says all the questions politicians answer go through some sort of press-office, phony, talking-point bullshit, and that the little guys, like me, never get anything from those weasels that work in press offices. I said, “No way, man! Not Tancredo.” So, get my back on this one, would you?

Here are the questions (there’s only 3).

• Which of the Ten Commandments do you think is broken most often by illegal immigrants?

• Which of the Ten Commandments is broken most often by machines, and do they break it more often than the immigrants break their most-broken commandment?

• Which of the Ten Commandments is broken most often by science, and does science break it more or less often than either the immigrants or the machines break the commandments that they break most often?

Thanks bro,


P.s. Gary said he’d vote for you if you answered my questions

Viva Tancredo

Are you tired of pussy-assed fruits and vegetables? Me too. Do you think it is about time that produce stopped whining and grew a set? Right on. Doesn’t it bug the crap out of you that you always have to mince your words and watch what you say whenever foodstuffs are around? I mean, who likes a meal that can’t take a joke, a taunt, a dig, a crack or a jibe? It’s all in good fun, right?!?

That’s why Tom Tancredo should be president. Although it may not be his primary concern, a Tancredo presidency would usher in a new age – an age in which it will be o.k. once again to poke fun at produce.

The following was taken directly from Tancredo’s website…

C. Horton: If you are successful in barring illegal immigrants, what will happen to the economy?

Tancredo: You can get a lot of interesting data on each side of this. What does seem to happen is that when there's a reduction in low-wage workers, companies tend to develop technologies to compensate. Tomato farmers genetically engineered tougher skins so tomatoes could be picked by machine, for example. And citrus growers are starting to do the same things.

Right on, Tom...

27 Brownie Recipes

1) Start with one box of brownie mix (any brand will do). Add all the additional ingredients suggested by the manufacturer. Stir, blend or mix (according to the directions on the box). Pour or spoon into a greased or ungreased pan, depending on what is suggested by the brownie-making instructions that came with the brownie mix. Cook in an oven heated to whatever temperature is recommended by the brownie company for as long as they suggest. Remove brownies from oven. Allow to cool (if desired). Serve, or eat them all yourself while watching Three's Company reruns.

2) Start with brownie recipe #1 and add Reses™ Pieces®.

3) Start with brownie recipe #2 and add marijuana (only where legal).

4) Start with a box of Little Debbie™ brownies. Remove the celophane sleeves from each of the individually-wrapped brownies. Break a couple of the individual brownies and crack a few down the middle but don't break them completely. This will give them that 'home-made' look. Pile them on a plate and put a hand-lettered sign behind or to the side of the plate, reading: 'home-made brownies'.

5) Start with brownie recipe #4 and stuff Reses™ Pieces® randomly into each brownie or piece of brownie.

6) Start with brownie recipe #4 and spread any brand of marshmallow fluff on top. Layer brownies, if desired.

7) Start with brownie recipe #6 and stuff Reses™ Pieces® randomly into each brownie or piece of brownie.

8) Start with brownie recipe #5 and spread any brand of marshmallow fluff on top. Layer brownies, if desired.

9) Start with brownie recipe #8 and serve with a side of marijuana (only where legal). You may provide a water cooled tobacco pipe for those who do not carry their own with them. Despite the disclaimer on the pipe, it will work perfectly well for the smoking of marijuana (but, only where legal).

to be continued...

Who Hoops?

Does hula-hooping long enough to break a Guinness Book world record make a person a performance artist. This I wondered (aloud – although there was no one around except for my dog) recently when I read a blog post about a young man in yellow running shorts and an orange t-shirt who is trying to do just that. He didn’t look like a performance artist to me. His hair was well coiffed and his glasses, although wire-rimmed, were the kind with the double bridge in the middle. Y’know: the kind of glasses T.V. producers like to slap on regular looking actors to indicate that their character is a nerd. There were no face tattoos, giant piercings, braided facial hairs or rainbow dreadlocks. He was not what a T.V. producer would easily recognize as a performance artist. But, the blogger responsible for the post I read qualified him as such. That’s why I’m wondering if it is merely the act of attempting to break a world record with a hula-hoop that makes him one. If so, he should know, that wouldn’t play well on T.V. He should get a Mohawk or wear clothes made out of tape or something.

Ass-Kickin' bullet points

I just wanted to show off some particularly well executed bullet points that I did recently for a luxury travel company.

Have you ever seen bullet points like these before?

No, you f'ing haven't.


Reach High-Value, Affluent Consumers
• Users of the Bounce Global online service are diligent consumers who want the best luxury travel experiences available and have the means to take advantage of them.
• Your company gets exposure to travelers and agents who are actively seeking high-quality luxury travel.
• Advanced search features on Bounce Global’s web site match the appropriate travelers with your unique luxury travel services.


Do you have goosebumps, too?

from an e-mail to Capital Records

When I was three, my parents bought me "Baby's First Record Company" for my birthday. As the fake CEO of my own label (CootieSound Records), I spent hours upbraiding my younger brother (then two) for funneling huge amounts of play payola to pretend D.J.s, then lecturing him on make-believe business ethics and boasting about my manufactured hit-making acumen. I still have the little, cardboard, platinum records for Girls are Icky and Guess What? Chicken Butt hanging on the wall of my office. So, you can see why I'm so excited about the possibility of working for a real record company...