Guess who's not getting invited to dinner.

Me, that's who. Check it out:

'Dear johnny,

Four lucky supporters have been selected to join Barack for an intimate Dinner for Five. They'll share their stories, their questions, and hopefully a delicious meal.

Read about Barack's dinner guests below, and then send them a personal note or a question you'd like them to ask:

http://my.barackobama.com/dinnerforfivenote'

I kept reading, hoping to see that I had been invited, but was disappointed to find that the wonks at O’Bama headquarters had decided, instead, to go with a firefighter, working mother, philanthropist and blue-collar guy.

They will probably have one of those fancy wine-and-cheese, sit-down parties. That way they can have a spirited and informed discussion about issues that matter. I was really hoping for more of a backyard barbeque thing, where I might end up getting to play some cornhole and quote ‘Caddyshack’ with Barack.

Cornhole, by the way, is an actual game, invented in Cincinnati, by chronically intoxicated students. You toss beanbags into holes cut in plywood. It frequently happens at barbeques in Ohio. Google™ it, or check out http://www.playcornhole.org/.

So, it’s cool that I’m not invited this time. I’ll just send a messenger, I’ll e-mail some questions to each of the actual guests. I just hope they don’t all want to use the same question.

I’m starting by sending this one to the blue collar guy:


Which of the following languages would it benefit me most to learn:
• Cantonese
• Mandarin
• Wu





Spicoli/Edwards in '08

Edwards likes to party. Since I sent him my tirade and its accompanying questions, last week, he has twice invited me to a party. Technically, I guess, Ben Brandzel is the one who invited me to the party. He’s the one who’s letter was mass-mailed to everyone who ever e-mailed the Edwards campaign for any reason. He works for John, but there’s no telling in what capacity. See what you can make of his signature:

--Ben Brandzel,
John Edwards for President
Friday, June 22, 2007

Whoever it was that actually invited me to this party tells me that John Edwards will be there in person, if you consider a digital representation of John, transmitted over the internet, ‘in person’. There’s talk that, ‘…we'll even get to talk live to John to ask questions and hear the latest from the road.’

Since I can’t seem to get him to answer any questions by e-mail (even though my e-mailing him questions has given him time to answer the questions at his leisure), I’m going to go to this party and see if I can’t get something out of him. I figure, I’ll start with an amusing road anecdote of my own. Then, when I’ve established that rambling-man kinship with him, I’ll ask him something like:

If Jesus were a credit card, what would his interest rate be and is it just a promotional, introductory rate that he’ll jack way up later?

Dodd campaign f#%ks w/ people.

Maybe 'shortly' means something different inside the beltway than it does here in America, but I was expecting a little more out of Chris Dodd's Tim Tagaris & Matt Browner-Hamlin. Last week, they promised me that they would be in touch shortly, look:

'Thanks for contacting us about your blog and the Dodd campaign. We will be
in touch shortly.

Best,
Tim Tagaris & Matt Browner-Hamlin'

Then, at 4:30 on Wednesday, Tim sends me this bullshit:

'Dear Johnny,

Last week, we asked about your ideas for future e-campaign initiatives.

Overwhelmingly, you wanted to see "more live video chats with Senator Dodd."

O.K.... Done.

Join us today at 5 P.M. Eastern as Senator Dodd talks about "Answering a New Call" -- his national service plan -- and participates in a live Q & A with you and supporters across the country...

Tim Tagaris
Chris Dodd for President'

Hey Tim,

First of all, I don't remember anyone asking about my ideas for future e-campaign initiatives, so I think you must think I am someone else. If anyone had asked me, I would actually have said 'more live video chats with Senator Dodd' or blasting YouTube with videos of hot naked chicks reading Chris Dodd's platform -- one issue at a time. The hotter the chick, the better.

I'm kinda glad y'all went with the first one. I didn't think about how the second one would play with soccer moms.

Anyway, I got all kinds of questions for Senator Dodd and I can make most of them be about national service if I have to, but you gotta give me more than a half hour's notice. Or, are you just fucking with me?

If so, you got me. Cool?!?

Next time I have an opportunity to ask the esteemed Senator anything having to do with anything, please let me know a little farther ahead of time.

Thanks and let's win this thing,
Johnny

Screw Tancredo. He's a Dick. Everybody vote for Kucinich

Tancredo's not the only dick either. All the Republicans and many of the Democrats don't even care enough about the little guys, like us, to have a robot send us a:
'thank-you for contacting (what's his face or Mrs. Clinton), blah blah Save America, blah blah blah'.

These guys (and Mrs. Clinton) all have answer robots:
Clinton
Obama
Dodd
Biden

To the rest of them I say: Whatever, dicks! I'm sending out unsolicited e-mails to people who were c.c-ed in e-mails I got from people I really know, and I'm telling them to vote Kucinich.

He's the only one who had an actual person respond to me. Then, when I wrote her back to thank her for thanking me for showing an interest in Kucinich for President, she wrote me back again and thanked me. Look:

(this first part is me...)
"Hey,

If this isn't Gail, could one of y'all forward it to her
or tell her I, likewise, wish her all the best -- in hope and peace.

thanks,
johnny"

(this part is Gail.)
"Thank you so much, Johnny.

Gail"

So, if you are one of those people who's address I got from somebody else's c.c. list, Vote Kucinich.

And, screw you Tancredo.

I think the second 'B' is the drunkest.

Thanks to whomever it is that rehearsed writing boobs in sparkler long enough to get such a great picture.

God, I love Google™ Images®.

Dirty Limerick - Opus 1

Opus 1:

There once was a girl with big boobs,
Who used them to do Rubic’s™ Cubes®.
I’d mention her ass,
But that would be crass.
Guess what she did with her pubes.

Hillary: the on-the-ballest.

Hey Tancredo,

Look what Hillary sent me:

'Dear Friend,

Thank you for your message to the Hillary Clinton for President Exploratory Committee and for joining in the conversation. The campaign has received thousands of emails from people all over the country. Your comments are important to us. Due to the high volume of questions we receive, it may take us time to answer you directly. To learn more about the campaign and Hillary’s views on the issues, please visit our website at www.hillaryclinton.com.

Below are some suggestions...

blah blah blah (there's like 400 more words here, but it's really boring shit.)

...All content © 2007 Hillary Clinton for President Exploratory Committee
4420 North Fairfax Drive, Arlington, VA 22203'

That is a lot of words. How big of a dick do you feel like now, Tom?!?